Thursday, May 10, 2012

Red Writing Hood:A Walk in the Park-REVISED

IMG_1363
IMG_1363 (Photo credit: brooklyn tyger)
REVISED:
And now the prompt: From Red Writing Hood at Write on Edge
For this week, I’m offering you this opening line:
“Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane.”
If you are approaching this prompt from a memoir standpoint, feel free to use a narrow lane, a moonlit night, or appearance of someone seemingly from nowhere as a jumping off point.



A Walk in the Park REVISED


Dianna shivered; the fall colors were beautiful this year, but the evening cold. She turned her collar up and pushed her hands deeper into her pockets against the cold wind.
Up ahead a lone man stepped from the shadows and stood by the path. Dianna looked around not another soul in sight.
The street lamps flickered on; she glanced at the sky. Getting darker earlier every day, she thought.
She quickened her pace Damn I should’ve left work earlier.
Dianna stepped to the far side; she hoped to avoid the headed in her direction. She continued walking all the while, Dianna watched him from the corner of her eye. She frowned; something about him seemed familiar, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what. Still too far away, she hoped he would take one of the other paths.
“I should’ve bought that damn mace, like David wanted me too.” She muttered.
“Don’t make eye contact, keep walking.” Dianna gave herself a pep talk as the distance closed in the ensuing darkness.
“What the hell… Who… ” She stopped; panic gripped her throat. The man raised his hand then began to jog toward her. Dianna turned to run, she stumbled, and someone grabbed her arm.
“Wait! It’s me David.”
“David? You scared the shit out of me! It’s almost dark; what are you wearing? Why are you here? Why’d you wait so long yell?” She hit his chest. Relief then anger rushed through her soul.
“It’s damn cold; I put on a cap, so sue me! I still thought you’d recognize me! I only wanted to surprise you; walk you home.”
“You’ve got on a black cap, black coat and at night. Well, you surprised the hell outta me! My heart is racing like a jack rabbit.”
“I’m sorry babe.”
She leaned into David seeking comfort and safety in his arms as much as warmth.
“You ready to go home?”
“Let’s walk a bit, let the cold air clear my head.” Dianna sighed and pulled her coat tighter.
“You’re freezing, and it’s getting darker. Let’s go somewhere warm.”
David slowed their pace, stopped, turned, and faced her. Dianna laid her head against his chest; the leather of his gloves tangled in her hair at his fumbled attempt to caress.
“Sorry, again.”
She tilted her head up, and on tiptoes, their lips touched. Her kiss was all the forgiveness, and encouragement he needed. Before she could pull back, David crushed her to him with longing and desire he pushed aside the outside cold. Her cheeks flushed to a bright pink, and a heat rose up inside Dianna that left her swaying slightly when David set her feet on the ground.
David’s wet kiss forever mingled in her mind with the scent of leather, musk, autumn leaves, and smoke from nearby chimneys on a cold evening.
Dianna lifted her eyes to his, and slowly smiled. She laced her fingers through David’s, and with a tug, they started up the path toward her car.
“I’m ready, let’s hurry home.”



Enhanced by Zemanta

26 comments:

  1. I really like the setting in this story. I could easily picture it. Nice job!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lillie your input means a lot.

      Delete
  2. I also enjoyed this! It was very vivid and what female cannot relate to the feeling of panic as a lone man walks in her direction at night? I only have a few technical suggestions. This sentence a lot of sense to me: A twinkle sparkled in her eyes, and this time, not from the cold.

    Eeeeks don't kill me for the criticism ok? I liked it a lot.

    I don't know how the cold makes someone's eye twinkle. Maybe I'm alone in this? Maybe there's a better word or possibly removing the sentence entirely. It is sort of a cliche that her eye twinkles because she is in love -- maybe that's what you were going for though!

    "She frowns; something about him seems familiar, but she can’t quite put her finger on what." I would not end the sentence on "what" it seems incomplete -- just say ... put her finger on what it is.

    Are these her internal thoughts? "He’s still too far away, maybe he’ll take one of the other paths, at least she can hope." Because I noticed you put her inner thoughts in italics and thought maybe you forgot here?

    Those are the only things I would change - really minor. Great job!

    Thanks for taking a look at my story.

    Erica www.writereadrepeat.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did a rewrite, hope better. I'm still a work in progress

      Delete
  3. Ha I had typos in my feeback that doesn't inspire confidence. I meant to write "this sentences does not make a lot of sense to me: A twinkle....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the input, yes I was going for a little cliche this time. Not much of a romantic genre so what the hell. Her thoughts were in italics. Glad you gave so much thought to my story and that overall you enjoyed it. Hey cold does make eyes watery and bright. Maybe I should've used bright.

      Delete
  4. Well, that's one plot that's been advanced. You did a nice job of upping her stakes and letting us down to comfort again before turning up the heat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Cameron, I couldn't ask for a better compliment.

      Delete
  5. I could definitely relate to Dianna's fear. I think all women have found themselves doing something that they know is dangerous like walking home in the dark unarmed.

    It's cool that you tried a genre that you say is not your norm. The whole romance thing scares the pants off of me!

    I found one tiny typo in "Why did you wait so long yell?” the to is missing. I am the typo queen. Funny how easy it is to see them in others' writings but now your own, right?

    As for the twinkling eyes...cold makes eyes tear and sting. Maybe you can work in heat in her cheeks from her fear and then from passion at the end? Maybe change "Anger and relief rushed her soul as tears filled her eyes." to "flooded her soul." ?

    Hope I'm being helpful and not overly critical. It's my first week doing the prompt. Feel free to rip my story to shreds :-)

    http://www.melissathinks.com/just-a-dream-fiction/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All critiques are welcome here as long as there gentle, :-) I would never rip anyone's writing to shreds, to do so would be presumptuous of me. I'm still learning here. Glad you enjoyed my story. Hopping over to yours.

      Delete
    2. Check my rewrite hope it's an improvement.

      Delete
  6. I liked this a lot. One little thing the paragraph that starts with "She frowns; something about him seems familiar, but she can’t quite put her finger on what" It seemed like you changed the tense and it through me off a bit. Maybe try... She frowned, something about him seemed familiar,yet she couldn't put her finger on it. I don't know, perhaps something to play around with.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Overall well done! You created a great suspensful scene then brought it back down into a moment that is easy to relate to. The only thing I struggled a little with was it felt like you switched between past and present tense several times. Maybe it's just me not following it (it has been a long day at work). Great job, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is somthing I struggle with :-( Glad you liked the story.

      Delete
  8. I like the story, the build up of tension and the nice resolution of safety. I had a horrible feeling David was playing her for a fool and bad things were going to happen! Glad they didn't.

    Only critique is you slipped out of tense a few times. Give it another read through, maybe even aloud. That should catch them :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I caught them after posted. Sigh, that is a problem with me. Sigh!!! Gotta work on that. Decided to leave as is take the hits. LOL Glad you enjoyed the story. I considered going in the direction of fool and bad things but just couldn't do it. Thanks

      Delete
    2. Did a rewrite, practice practice

      Delete
  9. Ooh great take on the prompt. I love the fact that this started so "dangerous" but wasn't. As far as the twinkle, since this is from her point of view, she wouldn't be able to see her eyes. I'd change it altogether.

    I loved where you went with this. the scene flowed well and the situation was believable. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point Shelton! Never thought of it that way! Thanks.

      Delete
  10. I liked the scene, the action, and the happy ending. You made the fear to relief transition very believable. The one part that I had to read again was the 'someone grabbed her arm'. Made me wonder if there was another person there. Otherwise
    , great job. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She did too! Thanks I've learned a lot from every one! Thanks

      Delete
  11. I noticed the typos, too, I won't harp on them! Instead I will comment on what I really enjoyed: the building of your scene. The setting here and the unexpected appearance were very well done. In future revisions, I would focus on developing your character a little more - where they having a fight? She seemed upset, but that one good kiss did her in! As a reader, I was unsure if this was the right more for her... was the fight over something big and giving in a bad thing? Or was it over something little and I should be cheering for her??

    Perhaps this is piece in a longer work? If so, it must be a great read!

    -Barbara @ de rebus
    www(dot)barbaragildea(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Barbara, I've learned a lot from ya'll. I spent yesterday editing an older piece after all the good input from here. A longer story would give time for back story, this is a snap shot in time. Today I'm going to rewrite, redo and practice. See what happens. :-)

      Delete
    2. Went ahead and did a rewrite, could use the practice. Hope it's an improvement

      Delete

All comments and words of wisdom go here